As weird as that saying is, everyone knows what it means to “fall off the wagon”. Which is exactly what my AH did last night. I knew without a doubt it was going to happen. I wasn’t sure how long it was going to take but it always eventually happens. Again and again….and again.
I figured something might be off yesterday afternoon. He missed his counseling session (clearly at the top of his priorities) and then I didn’t hear from him at all. Which was nice! But weird. Then this morning I wake up to a barrage of texts saying what a horrible human being I am and how he’s definitely not drinking….which means he probably is. Unfortunately, I couldn’t be sure.
I check the bank account for a completely unrelated reason just to see his multiple liquor store debits. Really?!? You can’t even go through the effort to hide that? Wow. OK. Now I know for sure at least. Thanks I guess.
The amazing news is that I am finally able to be done. These past three weeks I haven’t been able to move forward or backward, I was literally just waiting for the other shoe to drop and not knowing how long the inevitable was going to take was torture.
Did I want him to crash and burn? Of course not. A huge part of me wanted him to become a better person, for himself and the girls even if I wouldn’t be there to reap the benefits. Most of me knew without a doubt that he’s nowhere near that point. He was trying to change for all the wrong reasons.
Today I breathe a sigh of relief. Slowly I will pick up the pieces, rebuild, and come back stronger than ever.
So, today is (would have been?) my wedding anniversary. 8 years. About five years ago, when my sister-in-law left her abusive husband I thought I came up with the term nonniversary. Apparently I was wrong and I’m not that witty and creative and it was even on an episode of Friends. Which is probably where I got it from!
I really don’t know how I’m feeling. I don’t feel sad or lonely….I think if anything I kinda feel like a failure. I keep telling myself that if I was able to keep such a dysfunctional marriage going for so long, I would have been able to keep a marriage with two healthy individuals going forever.It’s hard to fix something you have no control over.
At least that is what I am telling myself on this, my nonniversary 😛 I wonder if next year at this time I will be celebrating February 5th, the day of my freedom instead of February 13th.
I toyed around with a few ideas of how to celebrate this non-occasion, but in the end I decided I absolutely had to watch Finding Nemo with my four girls.
So, in the words of Dory I am going to “just keep swimming…..” and cuddle with my babies. I know I am celebrating the four best things to come out of this day, and that is all that matters.
In a few hours, it will have been exactly one week since I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was time to separate. My decision was easy to implement because you had been gone all day drinking at your sister’s house. It was easy to tell my parents and family the next day, because you were still drinking. I think it was Friday morning before you were finally sober enough to begin to realize what was going on.
That is when the real hell began. To you, it was the same as before. You would F*^* up and I would threaten to finally be done. Only difference is, this time I wasn’t bluffing anymore.
I had finally seen my situation for what it was. I wasn’t married to a nice guy who drank too much sometimes. I was married to an alcoholic.
I wasn’t married to a guy who was an amazing husband 90% of the time and then a straight up asshole 10% of the time. I was in an abusive relationship. I.Was.In.An.Abusive.Relationship.
That is probably the hardest thing I will ever have to admit in my entire life. I was abused. Not by physical violence, which I would have recognized, but by its evil twin; verbal and emotional abuse.
That kind of stuff just doesn’t happen to me. I’m the person who is always telling everyone else to leave when their significant other is mean or controlling. Being single is much better than being in a miserable marriage. Stress kills. You only live once. These are all things I truly believed. Talk about trying to get a splinter out of someone’s eye while having a 2×4 in your own.
Thank goodness I was finally able to swallow that huge pill called humility and admit defeat. Getting out was the best decision I have ever made. I wish every woman was capable and had the AMAZING amount of support that I do.
Right now I just need to bask in that, and not worry about if he is actually going to change or if change is even possible. Because guess what? It’s not my problem anymore. It never actually was.