I’m not sure if you will ever actually read this letter. Honestly, it’s not important if you do, because I’m not writing it for you. I’m writing it for anyone who has been affected by this life-sucking disease and can’t find their own words.
I’m writing it for me.
It’s hard for me to be honest now. I’ve been lying, even to myself, for so long. Was I doing it because I loved you or because I was afraid of what others would think? Was it because I didn’t want to admit what was going on to myself? Honestly, I think it was all of those things.
Regardless of the reason, opening up was a huge step in the right direction. It helped me find the resources I needed to finally see reality. To let go of the fear and realize that there was nothing to be fearful of in the first place. It was just another illusion.
There is a saying that I heard last week, on the day I ended up making my final decision. I can’t remember it exactly, but it was something like “I trust that when it is time for a change, the universe will make me so uncomfortable that I will have to move”.
So many things brought me to this exact moment in my life. I believe that God has a plan, and it involved me marrying you. I will never be bitter…..most of my very favorite memories involve you. Unfortunately so do all of my worst.
At this point and time I believe God’s plan is for me to go my own way and worry about myself and my girls. This week we have been separated has showed me just how much you and your alcoholism/abuse weighed me down. I feel as if 1,000lbs has been lifted from my shoulders.
I think the reason is because I was never meant to be controlled or abused, and I fought back with the very essence of my being. It was exhausting. I’m glad it was me though, and not some other girl. You were never able to break me, at the first sign of a crack I was gone.
Do I know if we will ever have another chance? No. I don’t. The only thing I am sure of at this point is how cheap talk is. Especially when it comes to the promises you make.
So forgive me if I am not over the moon with all your recent conviction to change. Only time will be able to tell if losing your family was enough to make you really change…..and if it was already too late to matter.
Maybe I was meant to marry you and leave so you could finally be a better person. The person that you have always been capable of becoming. What I saw in you.
I know nothing at this point, except I am so much happier without you. Also, this past week has shown me things really do happen one day at a time. And that is awesome.